I have always been the kind of person that kept my feelings vent up because I grew up in a family where it wasn’t traditional for kids to express their feelings and thoughts.  I found an outlet in journals, that is, until my mother found and read them.  So she figured out that whenever I was at my friend’s house that I was there to meet my crush at the time. lol  I never wrote another entry since then and I don’t know where it is now. Over the years I realized I have trained to keep my feelings and thoughts to myself so well that I’ve numbed myself to the point that it is difficult for me to recognize happiness and joy.  The only things I definitely was able to recognize and can feel was anger.  Anger camouflaged joy and sadness at the same time.  Crazy as it sounds, it did.  Thinking about it now, I feel that I stopped allowing myself to feel happiness because it never would last and then I would be sad.  And feeling sad would make me angry. As in the past, I was able to express myself much better in writing.  I find it so much easier than trying to speak coherently while howling through tears or anger.  Plus, having to blow your nose in the middle of it all breaks the train of thoughts, too.  There are just simply too many things that hinder open communication.  It haunts me, though, because it’ll play in my head like a movie line when I’m trying to sleep.  And even as I replay it, it never comes out exactly how I picture it and what I really wanted to convey comes out in anger again.  So there’s my predicament and yet again, I come out being cold and unfeeling. *sigh* So I decided, I’m better off writing all my thoughts and feelings down somewhere and someday, when I’ve gathered enough nerve, I’ll let my family read it.  Its definitely for them…