Its normal for people to prefer certain material things they want in life.  Things that make them happy when they have them.  And there’s definitely nothing wrong with this.  Who doesn’t like to see others happy?  It was never my thing though and these friends of mine who were into it knew it was pointless to talk to me about brand names.  Well, I just realized I did have one friend who I actually grew close to, who relentlessly tried to get me into what she was into.  She would educate me as to why a woman would need a Chanel purse that cost more than some people’s monthly car payments.  Even though I told her I found the idea ridiculous when it wasn’t a need, she would bring it up a lot.  She wouldn’t only stop at that, but every time she had a new purchase or her husband bought her something, she had to talk about it. 

I’m not sure if she thought I was just naive about these things but sometimes it started sounding like there was something wrong with me for not wanting the materialistic things.  I was content with what I had and I didn’t care if my husband didn’t starve himself at work because he bought her some expensive items just to make me happy.  I thought that was really messed up.  I’m pretty sure I told her that a few times but she always managed to make it sound like its all a bed of roses and that women deserved that.  And she always acted like it was the most right thing to do and it really boosted her self-confidence. I just didn’t see how it was right when it ended up in the other person having to sacrifice his lunches.  I don’t think the kids had to suffer but, I just wondered why you would let someone you love go through that for the sake of feeding your ego?  I don’t think there is anything wrong with getting pampered and indulging, but shouldn’t it be experienced by both?

Well, the more we talked, the more I just let this go by thinking that its just her nature.  And of course each time I tried to tell her that it wasn’t practical even in their situation, she always countered it with, "But I deserve this."  And if she bought a Rolex watch for her husband, the excuse is, "But he deserves it."  And I explained we all deserve to have millions of dollars but the fact is we don’t and sooner or later there will be consequences.  Sure enough, there were days she would complain about not having enough in the bank or that what little savings she had is more than half way gone within a year’s time.  She would go into self-pity and say life isn’t fair, etc.  Its at these times I wanted to remind her that she didn’t spend wisely but she got what she deserved from it.  It would have been the truth, but it would have been the harsh truth.  I only could hope that someday she’d see it on her own. 

She would always be critical of anyone who seemed to be doing better than she was.  Whether it was a couple’s relationship or someone who just seemed to have it together.  If things seemed to be going good for someone, she had to find something to justify that it was just all a front.  Her negative view of others rubbed off on me.  I didn’t really think too much at that time why she was that way, I didn’t question it because there was one or two occasions she was right about another person.  But I already knew that you can’t always trust people, I just always accepted it but I never let it affect me of make me hate them as much until my friend would point it out.  This actually had an adverse long-term affect on me without me even realizing it.  I became bitter and lost tolerance for people’s short-comings.  And she would edge me on to be get angry and react to it. 

She really encouraged me to react and think the way she would.  When I got fired from the company my husband was also working for, she had it all out for them  as well.  Any conversation that involved that company was always in the negative. It was negative for me because I’ve seen from the inside how its run without organization and the structure of the whole business can cause it to close down at any minute.  Throughout all the time we discussed it, I thought we discussed our opinions of the outcome based on what we already know about the company.  I notice her opinions changed the minute her situation didn’t start looking good.   And wherein before, each time I would talk about the drama my husband was going through at work, she never had anything positive to say about the company.  This all changed and it seemed like she was trying to convince me that it might be better for my husband to stay there and that the company still has a chance to turn things around, etc.  Well, at this point, I already knew that idea was very bleak, they keep making dumber choices than the one before that keep costing more and they keep cutting corners more. 

So I wasn’t sure if this change in her attitude was just because she was sober from the painkillers she lived on for so long or what (that really should have given me a hint about how happy she was with herself).  After the ordeal with her and the eventual cutoff, I have been able to compare my friendship with her to all my other friends.  I realized that with her around, I stopped being myself.  I became cautious of what I posted on FaceBook because I always felt she’d criticize it.  I didn’t realize I started feeling so much less of myself from being around her.  I didn’t feel sure of myself or what I thought anymore because she would always imply that it wasn’t right according to her.  She always said I grew up wrong because I never got into the bad things she did and I never experienced life like it should be because I didn’t do bad things.   In the back of my mind, I always wondered if a real friend would really want to condone another friend’s bad behavior and allow their friends to suffer too.  I should have stopped trying to make excuses for her.

What it all comes down to is that people who aren’t confident or sure about them selves, need others to make them feel like it is.  They need someone to follow their steps to give them the stamp of approval on their life.  Like a confirmation that they can be happy with what was going on for them.  So when I stopped agreeing with her views, she decided it was exit time for her because she couldn’t convince me anymore or that I wasn’t as miserable about life as she was.  This didn’t really strike out to me until I remembered how she had to bring up our debate on the circumstances about my husband’s job.  I didn’t think anything of it until now.  I think she was trying to convince me that the company can still do good even if they get bought out because she wanted him to stay there and deal with whatever horrible outcome. 

I guess it comes down to remembering some old wise sayings.  A person keeps being critical or skeptical of other people’s life, they must not be all that sure about their own life.  Andre Agassi recently admitted that he was on meth at one point in his life.  He recalled the saying that if someone are on any kind of drugs they must be trying to hide something.  Check that.  And there’s nothing wrong with wanting materialistic things, but how good is it really doing you when you feel that you have to have someone else feel the same way? 

(written on November 3, 2009)

Its not uncommon that pregnancy is always surrounded with such joy and happy expectations. Its rare to hear someone expecting not anticipating it. Well, I was definitely one of those that didn’t cry tears of joy when my tests clearly flashed, “Pregnant”. I was balling my eyes out and hating my husband for having waited so long. At 35 and getting older by the minute, it was frightening. I was bracing myself for all the worst things that can possibly happen. I was depressed for while. Funny, though, how the best things in life can only be experienced by going through the very opposite thing you wanted. In this case, I have experienced the security of a relationship when all the while thinking I’d be divorcing him for sure before the baby comes out. I was sure that one of us will throw the towel in. I usually have a knack for making people do that.

Surprisingly, months later (my son is now 2 months as I’m trying to finish this), imy relationship with my husband is more intimate than ever. I have learned to see him as a very supportive and wonderful partner. The only other thing that would make things better is if he could read my mind and anticipate my needs. But that’s wishful thinking.

45 Lessons in Life Worth Remembering

I wish I could take credit on this wonderful presentation.  This was sent to me by a former instructor who has been a great source of inspiration all these years, Dan Athey.  We’ve probably heard about these lessons at some point in our lives and in other forms.  But here, it is all simply stated and direct to the point. 

I officially have two more months to go before my son is born. Two more months before my body can attempt to get back to normal. With my hyperthyroidism, I never really had to think about getting back into shape after pregnancy. With my daughter, I lost too much weight. With my son, I lost more than the baby weight after pregnancy and reached the lowest weight I had since I was 13. With this one, it has been an entirely different story. Not only did I gain weight before the pregnancy, I am gaining the recommended pounds per week. It is a relief because it shows that the baby is growing normal. But its kind of dreading on my end.

So far, with all the health issues, it has been so hard to find a balance in anything. There are days I know I’m not eating enough and then when I finally get more than one proper meal a day, I’m suffering from gas, bloating and constipation for days. I can’t lay down or sit comfortably. When I take my water pill, it takes hours for me to recuperate. I barely can reach the bathroom each every 3 minutes to go. It’s a relief when I have an excuse not to take it but then I suffer days of consequence. Its starting to take almost a good 3 days or more for heart to stop from feeling like its gonna stop pumping when I go up the stairs. Doesn’t help the bladder either since I can’t really piss normal without the pills. Even with all the bloating, I still feel so dehydrated.

At this point, trying to just make it through the day without having to lay down so much is becoming so difficult. I want to do so much more on my computer but I can’t sit for long. Either I’m fatigued or the baby kicks so much I can’t concentrate on what I’m doing anyway. But when I’m laying down he still kicks around for a long time before he settles and I can fall asleep. Its also when I start brainstorming so I have my notepad to write on. I’ve finally made use of my cell’s capabilities. The kid is already forcing me to be more geeky.

There’s really something to be said about spending quality time with your loved ones as opposed to just getting material things in exchange for the attention.  Now I know why they say money can’t buy happiness, etc.  I think in the back of my mind, I’ve always known that.  Getting the material things I wanted from my parents never made up for the lack of essence in my relationship with them.  The fondest memory I had with them was when we were in a room together at the same time but we were all doing our own thing.  I remembered the peace and contentment that I experienced at that moment.  Even though we traveled together to amusement parks, Disney Land had nothing on that time.  But that moment only happened once from but its one I like to remember from time to time.  Not even the game nights we had as a family compared to that. 

I think that when you decide to be in the same room even when you aren’t doing the same thing, speaks how much you just like being with each other.  Its just as good as doing the same thing together, but let’s face it, we all have different interests.  My husband and I can be such opposites when it comes certain things.  But the one thing that we have in common is that we like being in each other’s presence.  I don’t necessarily get into what he likes to do nor does he in mine.  Even though its often advised that the bedroom should only be for sleeping or for adult intimacy, we don’t follow that rule.  We do everything in our room.  We each have our own desks, the kids (and the hubby) plays the Wii in our room and we watch our shows in our room.  The kitties also like to sleep in the bed with us.  But even with all that, it hasn’t made it seem less intimate for us.  In fact, it lets us all spend time together.

I’m so blessed to have a husband who doesn’t get offended so easily.  Not only that, he knows just the perfect thing to say even at a time I’m pretending to be seriously mad at him.  Last  night was one of those nights.  As usual, he’s the first one to say the three words (I love you).  Of course, he says this even more so when he knows I’m upset about something.  So when he said this in bed trying to say goodnight, I just made a disgruntled sound, turned back to him and responded, "Yah, whatever," or something similar to that.  So he repeated it again, urging me to kiss him back but I continued to ignore him.

Then, he said the five magical words, "Say it, say it outloud." 

I couldn’t help but laugh and we both cracked up. 

Since I’ve figured out how to host WordPress, I have delved deeper into learning all I can about what I can do with it.  I have always been technically challenged even though I am so intrigued with how the internet works.  But my attention span only goes as far as the first ear tag.  Its a good thing that  WordPress makes it so easy to have really nice sites without all the hassle.  So easy that I can’t seem to stop oogling at all the free themes.  I can be somewhat picky with how things look so its a relieve that a lot of designers out there take enough pride with creating these themes and making it available.  A million thanks to the generosity. 

Here are a few that I’ve have come across and really like so far:

http://www.templatelite.com/themes/

http://thinkdesignblog.com/

My husband started me on watching this sci-fi remake series from the 80′s.  I vaguely remember the old series and I really didn’t want to watch the new one.  I am glad that I did and even more relieved that we are finally done watching it.  There was a lot of drama and suspense with the series.  For a sci-fi show, it delved into raw human emotions.  I think this one of the reasons why it can grip a person.  Even with the Cylons who were supposed to be machines, had more emotions and human features than some people I know of these days.  The vulnerability of both human and Cylons were so mirrored and you can’t really ignore it.  

Another human feature that it depicts is each person’s faults.  It wasn’t afraid to show the bad with the good of the characters.  It was surprising to see how even the good ones can make bad decisions or they give in the the weakness of their feelings.  It brings some kind of relief to know that even the ones I would have considered heroes of the show, have some kind of fault that gives in the frailty of their thoughts and situations.  They are just human after all.  It takes some of the pressure off to be perfect.

Last year, I have gone back to college to finish my bachelor’s.  Unfortunately, even up to this point, I am having a really hard time deciding what I want as a career.  I have been going back and forth with different options.  I have mulled over my transcripts, I have no problem going into anything that I put my mind to do.  The problem is, I don’t know what I want.  This has been very frustrating for me in my adult life.  I’m not getting any younger.

I finally realize that this sense of lost has to be a result of my upbringing.  (Once, again, thanks a lot!)  I don’t think it helped that I came from a traditional family that imposed family responsibility on kids.  Meaning, that kids are supposed to be doing something in life in which they can bring in money to support their parents as they get older.  I don’t disagree with this, I feel that kids should take care of their parents when the time comes.  The problem is, is that, everything had to revolve around the financial means.  I wanted to take up photo journalism when I first got out of high school.  But, of course, my parents didn’t approve because there wasn’t enough money or demand for it.  They, instead, forced me to go into nursing.  (Of course, I made sure I didn’t have a chance of doing that.)

This imposed financial purpose greatly suppressed my creative side.  I had to put aside my love of anything that is artistic and pleasing in my sight.  (The only artistic thing I can feast my eyes on were eye candies.)  So now that I have had time to sit at home and not feel like I have to do something just to make sure my kids survive, I find myself looking at web sites that catch my eye.  And I can’t help but drool over them and be envious of the people that can create such things.  For a long time I’ve had to ignore that feeling because I just figured its something not "practical" again to be in.  Well, my interest hasn’t waned over the years.  The very  idea of digital art still excites me.  I think I’m going to have to take that plunge.   Because everytime I try to picture myself doing something else, I just don’t get that excited about it.  It feels more like weight on my shoulders.  And I’ve already had enough of that in my years.