Its normal for people to prefer certain material things they want in life.  Things that make them happy when they have them.  And there’s definitely nothing wrong with this.  Who doesn’t like to see others happy?  It was never my thing though and these friends of mine who were into it knew it was pointless to talk to me about brand names.  Well, I just realized I did have one friend who I actually grew close to, who relentlessly tried to get me into what she was into.  She would educate me as to why a woman would need a Chanel purse that cost more than some people’s monthly car payments.  Even though I told her I found the idea ridiculous when it wasn’t a need, she would bring it up a lot.  She wouldn’t only stop at that, but every time she had a new purchase or her husband bought her something, she had to talk about it. 

I’m not sure if she thought I was just naive about these things but sometimes it started sounding like there was something wrong with me for not wanting the materialistic things.  I was content with what I had and I didn’t care if my husband didn’t starve himself at work because he bought her some expensive items just to make me happy.  I thought that was really messed up.  I’m pretty sure I told her that a few times but she always managed to make it sound like its all a bed of roses and that women deserved that.  And she always acted like it was the most right thing to do and it really boosted her self-confidence. I just didn’t see how it was right when it ended up in the other person having to sacrifice his lunches.  I don’t think the kids had to suffer but, I just wondered why you would let someone you love go through that for the sake of feeding your ego?  I don’t think there is anything wrong with getting pampered and indulging, but shouldn’t it be experienced by both?

Well, the more we talked, the more I just let this go by thinking that its just her nature.  And of course each time I tried to tell her that it wasn’t practical even in their situation, she always countered it with, "But I deserve this."  And if she bought a Rolex watch for her husband, the excuse is, "But he deserves it."  And I explained we all deserve to have millions of dollars but the fact is we don’t and sooner or later there will be consequences.  Sure enough, there were days she would complain about not having enough in the bank or that what little savings she had is more than half way gone within a year’s time.  She would go into self-pity and say life isn’t fair, etc.  Its at these times I wanted to remind her that she didn’t spend wisely but she got what she deserved from it.  It would have been the truth, but it would have been the harsh truth.  I only could hope that someday she’d see it on her own. 

She would always be critical of anyone who seemed to be doing better than she was.  Whether it was a couple’s relationship or someone who just seemed to have it together.  If things seemed to be going good for someone, she had to find something to justify that it was just all a front.  Her negative view of others rubbed off on me.  I didn’t really think too much at that time why she was that way, I didn’t question it because there was one or two occasions she was right about another person.  But I already knew that you can’t always trust people, I just always accepted it but I never let it affect me of make me hate them as much until my friend would point it out.  This actually had an adverse long-term affect on me without me even realizing it.  I became bitter and lost tolerance for people’s short-comings.  And she would edge me on to be get angry and react to it. 

She really encouraged me to react and think the way she would.  When I got fired from the company my husband was also working for, she had it all out for them  as well.  Any conversation that involved that company was always in the negative. It was negative for me because I’ve seen from the inside how its run without organization and the structure of the whole business can cause it to close down at any minute.  Throughout all the time we discussed it, I thought we discussed our opinions of the outcome based on what we already know about the company.  I notice her opinions changed the minute her situation didn’t start looking good.   And wherein before, each time I would talk about the drama my husband was going through at work, she never had anything positive to say about the company.  This all changed and it seemed like she was trying to convince me that it might be better for my husband to stay there and that the company still has a chance to turn things around, etc.  Well, at this point, I already knew that idea was very bleak, they keep making dumber choices than the one before that keep costing more and they keep cutting corners more. 

So I wasn’t sure if this change in her attitude was just because she was sober from the painkillers she lived on for so long or what (that really should have given me a hint about how happy she was with herself).  After the ordeal with her and the eventual cutoff, I have been able to compare my friendship with her to all my other friends.  I realized that with her around, I stopped being myself.  I became cautious of what I posted on FaceBook because I always felt she’d criticize it.  I didn’t realize I started feeling so much less of myself from being around her.  I didn’t feel sure of myself or what I thought anymore because she would always imply that it wasn’t right according to her.  She always said I grew up wrong because I never got into the bad things she did and I never experienced life like it should be because I didn’t do bad things.   In the back of my mind, I always wondered if a real friend would really want to condone another friend’s bad behavior and allow their friends to suffer too.  I should have stopped trying to make excuses for her.

What it all comes down to is that people who aren’t confident or sure about them selves, need others to make them feel like it is.  They need someone to follow their steps to give them the stamp of approval on their life.  Like a confirmation that they can be happy with what was going on for them.  So when I stopped agreeing with her views, she decided it was exit time for her because she couldn’t convince me anymore or that I wasn’t as miserable about life as she was.  This didn’t really strike out to me until I remembered how she had to bring up our debate on the circumstances about my husband’s job.  I didn’t think anything of it until now.  I think she was trying to convince me that the company can still do good even if they get bought out because she wanted him to stay there and deal with whatever horrible outcome. 

I guess it comes down to remembering some old wise sayings.  A person keeps being critical or skeptical of other people’s life, they must not be all that sure about their own life.  Andre Agassi recently admitted that he was on meth at one point in his life.  He recalled the saying that if someone are on any kind of drugs they must be trying to hide something.  Check that.  And there’s nothing wrong with wanting materialistic things, but how good is it really doing you when you feel that you have to have someone else feel the same way? 

(written on November 3, 2009)

Why are there people who always think that everything revolves around them?  This wouldn’t be such a problem if their self-absorption didn’t lead them to think negatively about what other people say.  And reacting to it when they don’t even know if its about them just makes them look guilty.

For example, when a friend cut me off on im and I decided to vent out on FaceBook because I knew she would read it there, another friend of mine decided it was about her (who I’ll refer to as Sharon).  Instead of inquiring as to what the posts were about and whether I was ok, she decided to reprimand me and indicated that I was always hotheaded lately.  She went on to say that I was being snobbish with her and that my stress was infectious.  This definitely isn’t what I expected of someone that knew me and knew my situation.  Its not like she hasn’t been pregnant and became one of the most difficult, demanding person there was.  Even when she wasn’t pregnant, she would admit, that she’s hard to get along with and she’s not as patient as I am with people. 

So, at this point in time, after having to go through a dry socket, finals, drama with my hubby’s job, lack of sleep, another friend’s self-imposed drama and pregnancy on top of it-all in one week-I probably was not in the best of moods.  And it was not like I called Sharon to vent out, we would im.  She’s hard to get a hold of anyway, she makes all the excuses not to answer her phone unless it is convenient for her, it has to be in her own timing and her own mood.  So its not like I can just vent whenever I want with her because its not an open door policy either.  I just wish I did the same thing with her now.  With our other friend signing off on me after she didn’t like my answer to her question, I realized that my friends in the local area have no problem calling me at anytime of the day to ask me about something.  They’ll call to vent, to complain, but its never usually just to ask how I was doing.  Its always followed by something else that has to concern them and they need some type of ego boosting.  Unlike my friends who don’t live in the same state I’m in.  I hear from them more than I do from Sharon or the other gal.

Even with how long I’ve known Sharon, I was always nagged by the feeling that our friendship was one of convenience for her since I was the only she was able to stand being around when she was pregnant.  And she was the one that always had a negative outlook in life about everything and everyone.  In a lot of ways, she rubbed off on me and I began to realize I hated thinking so negatively of everyone.  She always thought people had an ulterior motive in trying to be friends with her.  And this started making me doubt about our own friendship.  If I had to admit it, it was really one sided.  I have to say, there was things she would do for me once in a while.  But again, it always had to be something to make her feel good about herself.  And she made no discretion about the stuff she would do for me or for other people.  And it was ok that she was like that, except, then she had the nerve to list down all my faults in her comment.  I understand people have shortcomings, but as a friend, you would think she would tell me face to face or at least im me or call me to let me know instead of laying it out in public.  I know I told her before how irritating it was not being able to get a hold of her so I stopped calling her once.  And I guess it stuck with me that when I was in the hospital for days, I never once heard from her by text or by phone.  The next I heard from her, she was crying her eyes out because of their situation and then apologizing when she found out I was hospitalized.  And after that, I let it go, I never brought it up again.  I still tried to cheer her up and be there for her inspite of how she made me feel.  So I don’t understand, that in the situation that I’m in, how can someone get so narrow-minded and not think of anything else but themselves again.

Needless to say, I didn’t respond nicely on her comment.  After ignoring my im’s for days – even the one telling her that her own husband just called me to ask if I was on the phone with her – she had the nerve to make that comment about me.  I didn’t want to correct her anymore and tell her that it wasn’t her because her callous reaction proved that she was guilty.  Yes, I’ve seen her posts on FB when she was deliberately ignoring my ims.  She was posting about being tired of the problem and that she’s paid her dues, that she just listens to people talk coz she learns a lot about them.  (A quote from Rush Hour something)  And yet, I didn’t comment to these posts because I thought maybe our mutual friend pissed her off and just didn’t want to talk about it anymore so I didn’t bug her about that.  So I guess I can understand how she answered in a guilty manner to that comment.  But it certainly didn’t hold me back from telling how it was.  How she had the nerve to make me feel like I didn’t have the right to vent out on FB and yet she does.  In any case, like I answered, in kind, that I think she got it all backwards and in not so many words, if she didn’t like it, don’t read it.  I mean, she’s good at ignoring things anyway, why bother to read and comment on it if you don’t even know what it was about in the first place?  I guess some people just can’t stand not being the center of distraction.  It always has to be about them.